Pastors have long known that the magic age for a new convert or a former church kid to re-enter the church is right about the time their first kid turns 18 mos. old. When a couple is pregnant, they dutifully read and obsess over things like the ferber method, attachment parenting, bottle v. breast (cosmic showdown BELIEVE ME!), and au natural v. the pagan epidural (cosmic showdown II). What said couple learns very quickly is that the baby stage, while sleep depriving, is actually the easiest. They’re immobile, don’t speak, and unless they have extreme colic will even sleep cozily underneath a restaurant table in their infant seat. When they emerge from their sleep deprived coma it dawns on them that they should either a.) figure out a place to baptize their kid who is now walking and conducting death defying stunts like jumping off the couch and putting the fear of God into their parents or b.) figure out a place to give their kid morals after they are now running, throwing, kicking, biting, and all of the other fun things young toddlers do.
This path inevitably leads many young families to church for the first time since they sang Kum Ba Yah at young life camp when they were 17 and had a crush on someone on the trip. Being out of that church loop for awhile can be really disorienting, so I would like to kindly offer a primer to introduce you to the EPIC BATTLE AND DECISION that awaits you: PUBLIC? HOMESCHOOL? OR PRIVATE? (CHRISTIAN PRIVATE).
Right about the time your first child is old enough to possibly consider preschool, you are expected to not only have made a trajectory decision about your choice in preschool and Kindergarten, but you must also have a theological underpinning to back you up and a selection of books from a Christian author bolstering your case. This can be tricky though, because few people would ever ask you directly where you plan to send your child to school and why.. in church culture it’s like asking white people about how much money they make.. some things you just don’t do!
The first few times someone asks you, you may not even recognize what they are asking, and if you are reading this, the dimmer switch is probably growing brighter with understanding as you re-process some of the following conversations you are guaranteed to have or have had already:
I. The Awkward Silence:
So there you are, rocking a small group for the first time at your snazzy new church, and you are considering buying a house in the ‘burbs and sub-letting or selling your “to die for” loft in a recently gentrified neighborhood. Like any normal water cooler or play date conversation you confidently ask the group assembled around a jellied dessert in a 9 x 13 pan, which school district is best to buy a house in. Instead of the swarm of real estate data and opinions you expect, you are met with dead silence as all 5 conversations in the room cease and everyone stares at you. You mentally review your comment to make sure you didn’t subconsciously substitute a sexual innuendo or curse word in one of your sentences, but realize that no, you said exactly what you thought you did… What’s happening?!!!
You are experiencing the awkward silence… this is church, we don’t ask about that sort of thing here. Clearly you are an outsider because you have not yet mastered the art of concealing your question as a trojan horse designed to exploit the weaknesses in your “enemies” defenses, theological logic, or clearly inferior parenting skills (parenting is a competitive sport now, in case you hadn’t picked that up). The only thing that can brand you as an outsider faster than this faux paux is cursing, so get your game face on!
II. The Trojan Horse
In the trojan horse, the conversation initiator is guaranteed to possess five characteristics. 1.) an extremely opinionated viewpoint on how not only their child should be educated, but yours as well. 2.) a mastery of the art of not asking what they are actually asking that could stall the most seasoned litigator. 3.) an extreme example of an extended family member who choose the “wrong” method of education and now has a tattooed child with an emergent blog to show for it. 4.) An arsenal of Christian books designed to sway you to their side. 5.) They are considered an “evangelist” for their educational method of choice by people on facebook.
Their line of questioning will begin like this..
Person I: “So, I heard you were thinking of buying a house?”
you: “Yah, I was thinking about the apple blossom district.”
Person I: “Hmm.. interesting choice. You know we live in the cherry blossom district, but the apple district is nice too.”
you: What do you mean? Are there better bike paths and closer access to trader joe’s in cherry?”
Person I: “Well, yes, but those are just perks for us. Add ons if you will. But they really don’t matter that much to us.”
You: (you are confused and wondering why they would mention them if they are not a big deal, instead you say:) “Why doesn’t it matter? what does?”
Person I: “Well, cherry is a nice district and it does keep our home value high when we eventually sell and downside to pay for the kiddo’s to go to Wheaton, Cedarville, or Liberty, but since we send our kids to a private Christian school there really is no need to be concerned about the public school system. Especially since there are lots of after school activities and even a young life chapter at the Christian school. Did I mention the township offers busing to the school? My wife doesn’t even have to carpool from the cherry district. Does the apple district offer free busing to the Christian school?”
You: (stunned you realize this ninja has just asked you a. your plan for your child’s future b.) given their opinion on it c.) cleverly inquired how much money you make by feeling out if you could afford said private school. d.) managed to let you know how much they make without saying how much they make.) You stammer a few lines about living close enough for the in-laws to sit for you, realize you are now stressed about a decision you previously thought little of, and instead blurt out a prayer request on seeking God’s will for your 18 mo. olds Kindergarten decision.
Person I: They put their arm around your should and assuredly say, “I am always praying for you.. on another note, I have this parenting book I would love to give you a copy of…”
this is a particularly brutal blog. there’s an aspect that you hint at that has been nagging at me for a while. the presumption among Christians that certain decisions are conversation fodder. given how loaded the “where do you kids go to school” question is…isn’t that more of a personal (and therefore private) discussion?
like i said, pretty presumptuous. i’m wondering whether it’s time to reassess what is, in fact, polite to talk about in public or not, even as Christians. in the secular realm, the verboten topics are religion and politics. but with Christians, the religion is more or less out of this equation (but should it always be?) and we’ve already discussed at length what happens when we throw politics into the “let’s talk about it” mix as well. this leaves us with no apparent conversational boundaries. the thing is, these boundaries aren’t the nefarious work of old fuddy-duddies who want to keep us from “growing” together, they’re the legitimate constraints of etiquette. sometimes i wonder when the last time we actively considered etiquette, or politeness, as Christians. Like we’re “beyond etiquette” or something, because we’re saved. when was the last time you thought of a fellow Christian as “kind” or “polite.” what’s the line? where does accountability stop and courtesy start?
By: Joel on June 17, 2009
at 3:00 pm
hmm… good thoughts. Yes, I am sarcastically pointing at something that is less about school choice, and more about more’s of our sub-culture.
“what’s the line? where does accountability stop and courtesy start?”
There’s a lot you said, so I am going to pick this question b/c it stands out to me.
Again, it’s all about the motivations and functions of the heart. Using the school example.. two things: 1.) if you want to know where I am sending my kids and why. by all means.. ask! It is completely normal question, that parents ask all the time to get help from others when making a decision. 2. Unless you have a ‘hidden’ agenda of trying to get me to make a certain choice, I don’t really care if you come out and say it.
You’re hitting at the hardest part of living in community with other believers. We are simultaneously accountable to God, one another, and the broader covenant community. Since we are Americans, we will likely automatically err on being obsessed with individual decisions, privacy, and our own independence. Lauren Winner’s book Real Sex deals with this in a sexual aspect, but is a great read on the topic of corporate accountability.
I have a responsibility to my siblings in Christ that I am to love them by being honest, and by mutual accountability to the church. Too often we hide under the guise of not trying to gossip or make a poor etiquette decision because what we are really afraid of is Biblical, loving confrontation. The church struggles with this, and tends to not do it well.. we err on privacy or we err on trying to control someone else’s decision.
The issue is one of the heart. If I am lovingly confronting someone I am in relationship with over a pervasive sin issue in their life…say modesty for instance, my goal is the heart. However, if my goal is to get them to conform to what I think is modest ie- giving them rules to live by, my motivation is wrong and out of bounds.
By: a on June 17, 2009
at 3:39 pm
Too often we hide under the guise of not trying to gossip or make a poor etiquette decision because what we are really afraid of is Biblical, loving confrontation. The church struggles with this, and tends to not do it well.. we err on privacy or we err on trying to control someone else’s decision.
Isn’t it frustrating when you are part of a community or sub-community that doesn’t abide the Christian way of love your neighbor via feedback and confrontation? I kinda feel the same way you do, Amy, when somebody has something they want to “get across” to me, just come out and say it! I hate subliminal messages; I’m already aloof enough in life I don’t really want to interpret (on the flip side, it’s easier not to be bothered by such folk).
I think one of the fundamental misunderstandings and missed opportunities for churches is to emphasize communal accountability when one joins a church. Joining a church is voluntarily joining a collective, and when we do that, we don’t give up our individuality or individualism. But we most certainly volunteer ourselves to accountability, feedback, and confrontation.
With regards to the topic of choice, it’s too bad the conversations that take place are within the confines of a paradigm of education system that makes it difficult for parents to make better decisions for their kids, and only permits those with moderate to well-to-do means to even have such a pious attitude about where they send their kids to school. It bugged the crap out of me when we bought a house that we even had to consider which school district we moved to. It’s too bad the kids 10 minutes away from us in the city aren’t allowed to attend a better school just 5 minutes away from us. At least we’re in PA, which has a better government school system than many other states.
By: Doug on June 17, 2009
at 5:48 pm
D: Yes, I believe we miss out a lot on the communal aspect of church life because we so fear losing control. To be fair, it is scary, and does not always turn out well. At the same time.. this is why I love the church so much. I am voluntarily submitting myself to a community of people to whom I am accountable to that would not be gathered in any other circumstances. If I am only accountable to people who are exactly like me and share my preferences I am doing little more than choosing an intramural sport or hobby.
With school stuff, I believe this is a carry over from the way certain para-church organizations have moralized (I mean moralized specifically as opposed to spiritualized) and politicized one school choice over another. The grip with which a young family holds their opinion of education usually will mirror the type of posture they believe the church should hold with the culture around them.
By: a on June 17, 2009
at 10:05 pm
What do you think would happen if you let it slip that you were considering a Catholic school? I know when I tell Christian people that I am working on my masters they usually ask if it’s an M.Div at BBS and once I tell them “No, it’s an MBA from the University of Scranton (a Jesuit institution)” the conversation usually stops just like you described. Hilarious in hindsight, but awkward while it is happening because I feel like they are thinking “doesn’t he love Jesus enough to go to Bible school?”
By: danielst3 on June 17, 2009
at 11:35 pm
Honestly, I’d be perfectly thrilled to “get a reaction” out of family and friends, because honestly I don’t think they’ve truly and thoughtfully considered some of the reasons behind their reasons. I suppose with friends whom I’m close to, they would (I hope) realize that I’m a thoughtful and deliberate person, as is my wife, and that we would make such decisions not willy-nilly, but carefully.
It’s funny how college choices, by and large, are more off-limits than high schools and under. It’s as if sending your kids to a non-Christian secondary school is semi-acceptable, if not completely acceptable, but send them to a public school, and you’re shunned forever (or until college).
By: Doug on June 18, 2009
at 5:37 pm
ha! ha! actually I did.. true story.. offline on another day.
By: a on June 18, 2009
at 12:11 am
i love how Chandler puts it: when you make your children your idol…that’s what we lovingly call the suburbs!
By: JO on June 18, 2009
at 10:05 am
Chandler kills me! but.. I don’t think it’s just a suburban issue by any stretch, I just think there are more resources and institutions there that are set up for making kids an idol.
I should say…. I did mean this to be satirical.
By: a on June 18, 2009
at 10:23 am
I understand what you’re saying with this A, but I don’t necessarily agree. You’re pointing to a more idyllic situation wherein we’re living in (some level of) a community and just bouncing ideas off each other and being accountable…which you even imply doesn’t entirely exist. Well it doesn’t. And this is one of the topics that I don’t necessarily see as appropriate “accountability” fodder–every conversation I’ve ever seen has been loaded and highly emotional. I think you’ve probably experienced this or we wouldn’t have seen this article. There are at least 4 choices at any given time (HS, PChr, PCath, Pub) and people usually feel committed enough to one to defend it to the death.
I too would love to live in the situation you pointed to, where we’re just accountable and bracing each other and calling each other out simply because we see something (and have nothing to gain/lose ourselves) but if we only look at the fact that it makes you bristle, as seen above, and that that bristling resonates so strongly with us (as seen in the comments), we’re a long way from that, at least on this topic. I would contend NOT that the failure in this area is so much a barometer of the church’s health on all accountability issues, but maybe more…that we should leave this issue off the table except for thoughtful one-on-one discussions with those we trust.
By: Joel on June 19, 2009
at 8:42 am
Forgot to say: basically I hear you saying this conversation takes places as a proxy for, “have you decided to truly care for the Charges God has given you or throw them to the Wolves of Satan?”
By: Joel on June 19, 2009
at 8:45 am
Very poignant way to put it!
By: Doug on June 20, 2009
at 12:59 pm
That’s possible joel: But I don’t know. To be honest, I really wrote this humorously so I did not give much thought to the underlying premise. I am pleasantly surprised that people are asking such great questions, when I was simply being snarky.
“have you decided to truly care for the Charges God has given you or throw them to the Wolves of Satan?”
I don’t think I’d go that far, because I think people are rarely malicious in their intent with regards to this. I think the subtlety and innuendo has more to do with our discomfort and fears as parents than it does an intent to malign. People are always opinionated, but for some reason parenting brings it out to another level. I have had many friends who were previously “normal” open and rational people til they had kids or got pregnant and then made it their mission to get me to do everything from labor, feeding, childcare, and education “their way.” For me, one of the biggest parenting lesson I have learned is that there are so so rarely prescriptive Biblical commands with kids ie- go to school here, watch that tv show etc.
Different things work for different families, both of which could be Biblical. Our desire to find the right way, is our attempt to control and uncontrollable situation…. God is sovereign, he will take care of them.
By: a on June 19, 2009
at 3:09 pm
What you’re advocating in part, I think, is a live and let live approach. Do your thing, pray about it, but then just do it and let God sort it out–there’s no path that will guarantee your kids follow Him anyways, so you do your best.
Anyways I’m still waiting for evangelical Christians to embrace that “live and let live” approach.
By: Joel on June 22, 2009
at 9:12 am
First thing that anyone should consider in the public/private/home school issue is ‘what God is calling you to do. ?’
God calls some to send kids to private school, others to public, some to homeschool. Regardless of the option chosen, as Joel points out, no single one is an iron clad guarantee that the child will folllow God once out of Highschool.
Once the parents have discerned GOd’s will in that area, they should follow thru with boldness, regardless of ‘peer pressure’ to conform to the private sect or the public sect or the homeschool sect or the charter school sect…etc.
The Christian community should be supportive and help offset the cons that are a part of each ot the aforementioned schooling options (cause we all know there are pros/cons to each)
By: j on June 29, 2009
at 1:41 pm
I agree with J.
By: Meade on June 29, 2009
at 2:49 pm