Stuff Baptists Like (that I cannot elaborate on for fear of offense)
When visiting churches from various denominations there are cultural more’s that will emerge if you are observant. They are distinctive from denomination to denomination (different type of church: Baptist, methodist, presbyterian, etc.), typically not in the Bible, and often in opposition to other denominations.
-Preaching against smoking, while carrying an extra thirty pounds in the middle.
-The Rapture
-Having an unusual amount of people sitting on throne like seats or benches on the stage during traditional worship, that oddly have no purpose at that moment. Hmm.. why does the scripture reader need to sit behind the man conducting worship?
-having the aformentioned men cross their legs.
-Seafoam green carpeting
-Acronyms
-Gaither Vocal Band
-White short sleeved dress shirts
-Word of Life (if you know who they are you know what I mean)
-Witnessing on planes
-James Dobson (same thing)
-Bible Quiz teams
-Softball leagues
-Children’s Choir’s
-singing “Friends are Friends Forever” at baccalauereate services
-Brick buildings with white pillars
-Bulletins with clip art
-ties with pictures
-tuba solo’s
-having only men read the Bible during the service
-Republicans
-Charles Ryrie
-unspoken prayer requests
-The Left Behind Series
-boycotting Disney
-using grape juice instead of wine
If you are angry, that probably means that I hit home, (fyi–this is satire) if you think this was really funny, that means you belong to another denomination and your time is coming.
Meade
amybaker
yngfrnkstn
v02468
May 14, 2008 at 12:55 am
Thank you from the depths of my soul for posting this. It’s so funny yet so undeniably true. “Cept I’ve never heard a tuba solo. Which is probably a good thing.
May 14, 2008 at 7:42 am
You’ve never been to TI.
May 14, 2008 at 8:04 am
You’re reading Eye of the World again? You should be reading that book by Steven Brust I lent you.
May 14, 2008 at 9:05 am
I guess I haven’t. Please, spare me the gory details.
This list still pretty much made my week.
*insert witty comment here*
May 14, 2008 at 10:43 am
nice.
May 14, 2008 at 10:56 am
*retort witty comment with another witty comment*
May 14, 2008 at 11:22 am
Big “purple” hair (only on women)
Changing the lyrics to ‘Louie Louie’
Accompaniment track
Bulletins with poems on the back
Alters
Banquets instead of dances
Spiritual Instrument hierarchies: organ -> brass -> piano -> woodwinds -> Satan’s music
Some may be in other denoms too. And don’t knock on Smitty or that tear jerking song. I’m going to have to pull out my tape playing now. If you need me, I’ll be here crying with my high school year book in hand.
May 14, 2008 at 11:30 am
KJV or NKJV
raised baptismal so no one can see the person being baptized
May 14, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Ha! Banquets instead of dances is dead on. I also love to point out how traditional Baptists don’t dance at weddings, when there is dancing in the Bible. hilarious!
May 14, 2008 at 4:48 pm
As a recovering Baptist, I can say with authority that the problem with dancing is that it may happen that the naughty parts of one person may come in contact with the naughty parts of another person, thus leading to all kinds of debauchery.
May 14, 2008 at 5:21 pm
well, in that case, I vote for separate sidewalks, one for girls, one for boys, and all interaction between the genders should only occur in a supervised dating parlor.
May 18, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Giggle… what’s funny is I had to look about five times to confirm that the picture of the brick church (with white pillars)you put up wasn’t my church! It sure does look like it! heehee short sleeve white dress shirts….
May 19, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I have to say that i think softball leagues should be in every denomination. Or basketball. Thanks for taking me back to my granma’s church.
May 19, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Hmm. A C.S. Lewis reference in your email and your name is Jo. You’re joanna formerly Miller aren’t you. Missed you.
May 20, 2008 at 3:23 pm
For me this should be called stuff I am annoyed that other baptist like…especially James Dobson, Charles Ryrie and Left Behind…but then I am a weird sort o rogue reformedish baptist….
May 20, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Also re: unspoken prayer request..am I the only one who started trying to imagine what the prayer request was…people should have just said it because every time I heard it my head made them a mobster on the run, a house wife strugglign to get out of prostitution..or a drug addict….
May 20, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Yes, I do the same thing. I instantly go to the most heinous assumptions.
May 20, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I have a friend who says unspoken prayer request usually = sexual issue…
if that’s true, I then wonder about unspoken praises
May 21, 2008 at 6:30 am
you were just waiting for an excuse to say that amy
May 21, 2008 at 9:53 am
I didn’t think the owner of the comment would cop to it, so I was left with no choice
May 21, 2008 at 10:29 am
“I have a friend who says unspoken prayer request usually = sexual issue.”
Present. At least I say that. Although I don’t know if I’m the friend.
May 21, 2008 at 1:04 pm
yes! it was totally you. you kill me!
May 22, 2008 at 12:22 am
you forgot “flood-pants,’ pit stains, mean people, buick regals (’85-’96ish), skinny ties, THE WORD, a “word of prayer,” THE WORD, john macarthuritis, and the local church.