Stuff Christians Like #16: 7th Heaven

Once you join a church you may find that you view entertainment differently than you ever have before.  Suddenly, while your family used to spend evenings watching the Simpson’s together, you may feel convicted b/c let’s face it, Bart is “sassy,” hates going to school, and Ned Flanders isn’t exactly good PR for the church.  Plus, football is out b/c it’s violent & the Bible is not, & there was that whole “wardrobe malfunction” a few years ago.  What’s a family to do? Throw out the god with a glass face? Only watch veggie tales, the Left Behind Series, or Godtube?  I mean, you don’t want your kids to be complete losers do you? Fortunately, the television gods have smiled on Christianity (i.e. they know we’re an untapped cash cow), and given us good clean family television with 7th Heaven! 

   With 7th Heaven you get it all in one show! A white family, stay at home Mom,  Preacher Dad, 7 kids, twins who speak coyly and occasionally rhyme, a white picket fence, and suburbia!  At first the blind  Christian devotion to the writing & production genius of 7th Heaven, may be confusing to new viewers.  It may be difficult to understand that although some church folks boycott Disney, the Simpson’s, Desperate Housewives, the Golden Compass, Will & Grace, & the new movie Juno for it’s highlight of teenage pregnancy, they flock to 7th Heaven which oddly enough contains the same themes. 

 This is where the genius comes in b/c 7th Heaven allows Christians to enjoy entertainment that includes sex out of wedlock, drug addiction, child abandonment, the war in Iraq, teenage pregnancy, wayward kids, lying elementary students, divorce, & spousal abuse among other things. 

If you want to fit in at your new friends 7th Heaven viewing marathon, follow these tips:

1. Don’t let on that the topics in 7th Heaven are the same as in all of the shows they will not allow their High Schooler to watch.

2. Feign surprise as Annie exasperatingly does not know whether or not to tell Pastor Eric when one of their kids has screwed up, & when Pastor Eric saves the day in the end. Absolutely seem shocked when these events occur, even though they will happen precisely in every episode.

3. Understand that for die hard 7th Heaven fans, any television content or theme is okay to watch as long as soft music plays at the end of the episode, the consequences for the poor decision are shown, and Pastor Dad provides a monologue at the end. 

4.  When your friends say, “I just love 7th Heaven it’s the only show that really demonstrates the consequences of sin.”  Under no circumstances should you point out that shows like Desperate Housewives use the same literary enterntainment device.  Definitely do not point out that everyone who commits adultery on Desperate Housewives & on 7th Heaven, reaps horrendous karma.

5. Act as though it is completely genetically normal for two, caucasian parents to produce a host of blonde  or blue eyed children & one that seems biracial with cherokee indian features (Ruthie).

In general smile & nod, grab a tissue & pine for simpler, suburban times and you will fit right in!