Stuff Christians Like #12: Their Own Words

Sometimes when you are around christians a lot you might notice that sometimes when they talk it makes no sense.  For example a christian friend may approach you and say very sincerely something like “I’ve got a burden for you.”  This may sound ominous but don’t worry, you’re not insane and neither are they.  You’re just hearing Christians use their own words.  I’m not talking about tongues or something.  Christians like using their own words, kind of like their own tribal dialect.  These words fall into three categories: antique words, industry words and fake words.   

Antique words are real words that no one uses anymore except christians.  Some churches use these words in sermons, others only when they pray.  Here are some antique words you’re likely to hear if you hang around christians:
- Fornication
- Gird
- Courtship
- Beseech
- Thee, Thou, Thus
- Beacon
- Brethren
- Partake
- Smite
- Adding the suffix “eth” to any word. Example - speaketh, knoweth, calleth.
- Loins

It’s really good that christians keep these words alive.  Kind of like a linguistic preservation society. 

Industry words are words that aren’t necessarily antique but are only used by Christians to refer to stuff in their world.  Examples are: 
- Deacon
- Elder
- Rejoice
- The phrase “things of God”
- Fellowship
- The phrase “quiet-time”
- Devotions

This will happen wherever you go.  If you hang around baristas they’ll say words like “latte” and “macchiato.”  If you hang around with mechanics they’ll say words like “carburetor” and “muffler.”  What you’re hearing is just the christian version of this. 

Fake words are words christians just make up to impress you.  Here’s an actual example I read yesterday on a bloggers description of his beliefs: 

In theology, I’m a Calvinist, creationist, inerrantist, cessationist, classical Christian theist, and amil (with postmil sympathies). I’m a low churchman with a sympathy for a certain amount of high church symbolism. I’m a pragmatist about church polity. On the sacraments, I take them to be symbolic. I regard other issues in sacramentology as secondary to this primary position. In philosophy, I’m an Augustinian exemplarist. I’m a Cartesian dualist. I’m an alethic realist, but scientific antirealist. I believe in innate ideas, sense knowledge (I’m an indirect realist).  I also subscribe to a supralapsarian theodicy. 

I’m pretty sure most of these words aren’t real.  He just made them up to show he’s smarter than you.  I hope this helps you understand christians when they speak.